What led you to get sober?
I knew I had a problem for a while, and I would sort of try to get sober. When I finally did, I went on a first date with someone who was sober—so she didn’t drink at all—and I drank so much. Then she left and I kept drinking.
Later, I went to my ex’s house and my ex said, “I’ve never seen you that drunk.” I was like, “I’m that drunk all the time.”
I thought, “I’m not going to drink the rest of the weekend, and if I do drink, I’m going to be so ashamed of myself.” A couple days later I went to an AA meeting and then I didn’t drink again.
You said you went to AA; do you still go to AA? What does your program look like?
Not really anymore. It was super helpful at the start to have somewhere to go that wasn’t the bar, because I had never done that—gone out with people and not been drunk. People go to the diner and things like that after. Going to a meeting and hearing other people talk made me think, “Oh okay, I’m not alone in this and other people experience the same thing.”
One of the reasons I’m doing this is because I feel like there’s only one narrative that gets told. All I thought there was before I got sober was AA, but I had tried it and hadn’t connected with it. Just among the sober people I know, there’s so many things they do. What other things do you do for your sobriety?
I write a lot. I write in a journal like every day. At the beginning of every entry I make, I say what day sober it is, so that’s helpful. I think writing is the most consistent thing I’ve done.
People in AA do morning meditations where they make a list of things they want to do for the day and what might trip them up; I do that sometimes but it’s not that consistent.
So I just don’t drink every day; I make the choice not to drink every day.
I consider journaling every day with your sobriety date part of a recovery program. That’s the kind of stuff I’m thinking about: meditation, working out—all of that to me is for your sobriety.
Yeah, I just started working out again. I’ve gone through on and off periods with it, but it definitely helps my mental health to do it.
What are some of the biggest changes you’ve noticed since you got sober?
I do things with my life now. Before I would just go to work, and then go to the bar, and then wake up and feel like sh*t and go to work and go to the bar.
Since I quit drinking, I have had a solo gallery show. I am in grad school; I applied and got in, and I got all A’s for my first year. I’m learning an instrument, which I never thought I would do. I moved across the whole country.
Sh*t I would have never even tried before I quit drinking is just what I do now. I feel like I can do it, whereas before I would have said, “Oh, that sounds cool,” but never committed to it.
Has the pandemic affected your sobriety at all?
No, but I think that’s because I was pretty isolated for a couple years before the pandemic anyway, while trying to figure out who I am when I’m not drinking. I’ve spent a good portion of my time sober in cities where I don’t know that many people, so I was spending a lot of time alone anyway. Which is fine with me because during that time I’ve gotten to do a bunch of other things, like learning to play guitar.
I spent my entire adult life suppressing my feelings so hard, and then I had to feel them—so I was busy with that.